I'll try as much as I can to make this post less...emo. It has been more or less three years since I last kept a blog, and I have to say that many things have already changed since then. For one, I'm no longer a college student who is dependent of my mom and dad for almost everything. I'm no longer a youngster who would just go to school, attend some classes, do homework and then have fun. The moment I graduated, I knew everything would change - my priorities, my environment, and even the roles that I have to play.
I was both excited and anxious when I got my first job. Excited, because I know I'll encounter new people, new experiences. Anxious, because I have to start over. Again. For some reason, it's difficult for me to start things. I'm not used to see myself as back to zero, or having nothing at all to start with. It stresses me out, and I feel I am at my weakest whenever I'm back at square one.
To an extent, perhaps we all feel the same way.
The thing is, I needed a more radical beginning at that time. I thought that since I am going to go through this inevitable chapter in my life, I might as well start from scratch. Not your usual scratch. Tabula-rasa-kind of scratch.
I used to think that there's nothing special about my past. Nothing worth mentioning. I spent the majority of my youth in front of either the TV or a computer screen, playing video games or watching anime. Aside from that, I'm living my life in order to please the people around me, without thinking much of the things that I really wanted to do. Heck, I even had a lot of regrets for not taking chances on a lot of opportunities. I really thought that I've lived a rather boring, colorless and restrained life. If you listen to the song "Who am I hates who I've been" by RelientK, you'll know exactly what I felt about my past.
I almost came to a decision of just erasing this past from my very whole existence and just start anew. To turn my life into a blank slate, and begin from there.
Yeah, I know it's kinda sad and stupid at the same time.
For one, it's impossible. Unless we're living in the world of Joel Barish (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) where memories can be erased, it's impossible. Actually, no, even though we have our memories erased, there will always be things that will connect us to where we have been. We can't just decide to forget everything.
I knew right then that it was pointless to think that way. I don't want to feel that I'm running away from something again. I don't want to feel that I had to fight against all the memories, good or bad, for the sake of the "present" and the "future." It's probably one of the most miserable feelings one can ever have.
It was then that I realized that there's more than one way to start things over, without having to carry the burden of regret and sadness. The tabula rasa way just won't cut it anymore. Rather than erasing my past, I've decided to just take a different perspective on how my life went through. Instead of thinking that I had a lame past that I had to hide, I started thinking that everything that I've been through were important lessons - lessons that shaped the way I see and do things. Thinking of my past that way made me see that what I've been through wasn't that bad at all - I mean, some people might have been through worse. I realized that taking this path would make beginnings less of a pain.
And you know what's cool? With a stroke of luck, I even met a person who made me feel accepted, despite my past. Or at least, that's how I felt. Haha.
What's important to me now is that I know I'm on the right track. Everyday becomes a valuable memory worth keeping. Sure, there will always be inevitable instances where we'll feel lonely, sad, or angry, but that's part of life. I've turned my memories into lessons that I want to impart to the world - lessons that I hope would serve as an inspiration to live life to the fullest.
I guess you could say that this is one of the reasons why I started this blog project with new-found partner. here. I found the inspiration to write again, but this time, I promised that I will only write about the most inspiring things. It's an even more exciting feeling that I'm sharing these wonderful experiences with an equally wonderful person. I sure hope she won't get tired of this journey we started. :)
Now for the out-of-the-box realization.
Supposing that your life is a painting, it's a given that you start with a blank slate - a tabula rasa. You already had something painted - experiences, sad and happy. Sure, it's not perfect, but instead of turning it into a blank slate again, why not "add a new blank slate" instead. That way, there'll be more spaces for you to paint more memories, therefore giving you more chances to create a grand masterpiece of your life's journey.
So there we go. Another ultra-long post. Whew, it has been a while, but I'm glad I'm finally able to do this again. I hope you learned something today after reading this. Nothing's more fulfilling for me than to know someone got something out of what I shared. :)
Till next time. Stay classy, planet earth. :)
- Billy
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